I wish I had a date!

I think that people should come with 'good to' dates. Not expiration dates mind you. I couldn't handle knowing when my expiration would come around, but a good to date would provide many benefits.

Dates printed on consumable merchandise are a marketing departments dream come true. If the date is short enough, people will throw away perfectly good stuff and buy new stuff, in sizes they think are a bargain, but are way to big to ever use by the seemingly arbitrary dates printed on the bottom of the label. In fact, Consumeraffairs.com states that merchants aren't even legally required to remove merchandise from the shelves past the date, though some states do require this on perishables such as milk.

The US Army did a study on the effectiveness of drugs past their expiration date. The review examined 96 different drugs, and included 1,122 lots in all, and found that 84 percent remained stable 57 months beyond the expiration date. Stable! Almost 5 years after the date that according to the manufacturer you should no longer use it. Sounds like the ultimate marketing scam to me. Now I don't know about you, but when I go to my local mega-store and buy my mega bottles of pain relievers, I don't look at the good to date. The fact is that if these dates were taken seriously, I would have to down 3-5 pills a day, every day, just to finish them before the date. Damn, if my back hurt that much, I would go to an acupuncturist. If my head hurt that often, I would go to a shrink. Well, you get the idea.

There are 3 major codes:

1. Sell by: Don't buy the product after this date. This is the "expiration date."
2. Best if used by: Flavor or quality is best by this date but the product is still edible thereafter.
3. Use by: This is the last day that the manufacturer vouches for the product's quality

So, if I am a shopper with all the time in the world on my hands, I could potentially look at the sell by dates of everything I buy. But if I buy it on this date, how long do I have to use it? If it's chopped meat, I would imagine the time is much different than other products. How are you supposed to keep track of all these things. As for the best if used by. Come on, are you kidding me? Most of the stuff that uses this type of date probably wouldn't change it's taste until after my expiration date. Half of it tastes so bad now you wouldn't even know the difference. As for edible, that is an individual opinion that much of the stuff is actually edible in the first place. That leaves us with the use by, or good to date. When was the last time a manufacturer vouched for the quality of a product? With all the crap on the shelves of food stores today, they should be vouching that it's not going to kill me when I eat it. I would feel a little happier then.

And still, these terms seem a little vague. Some of the products that use one or more of these codes would probably be better served by using a skull and crossbones with a date printed right below it. That would be pretty clear, right? I have seen milk curdle days before the expiration date, and I have had milk last for days after the date has come and gone. What do these dates mean exactly? According to what they are trying to say to us, products are good, then they are bad. Pretty confusing and misleading huh?

People, as opposed to being good one day and bad the next, usually have extended periods of mediocrity. Some peoples periods last their entire lives. This is exactly why human beings would be so much better off if we had the equivalent of a use by this date.

When born, we come into the world hoping for a nice long healthy life. And I don't know about you, but I don't want to know in advance when it is going to end. However if I came with a date where God would stop vouching for my quality, I may make some different choices. I may eat more veggies. I may go to bed earlier. I may stop listening to blowhards whose only purpose on this planet is to raise my blood pressure. Now I realize I should probably do these things anyway, but we all want to have some fun in this life, right? However, if I knew that on the 29^th of October, 2021, I would pass my use by date, or good to date in the case of us humans, I would be better educated as to just how much fun I could get away with.

If I were single, I could use it in my advertisement at Plentyoffish.com and place it directly under the title of Geezer with lots of time left on my good to date. As for a married person, you could use the date to guilt your partner into something. 'You know honey, we really ought to go the the tractor pulling show this year. You know my good to date is coming up.' If you had kids, you could make sure they came by for Thanksgiving, or else miss the last holiday you were 'good for.' It could be printed on the bottom of our feet so that as we got older we would have a harder and harder time seeing it. Unless of course you were a yoga master and could do the lotus position when you were 70.

But since we don't have these dates, I guess we will just have to continue living on the edge. I think I hear some breakfast calling. Maybe a bowl of cereal. I am pretty sure the date on the milk was yesterday, but I am going to go for it. What's life without living a little dangerously. I know, I am such a madman!